Finding Love Is An Inside Job

Living Well, Partnering

Soon after Ron and I met, when we were just becoming acquainted as friends, I felt nauseas one day. Ron’s a doctor, and he wanted to help. So he offered to stick his finger down my throat to make me throw up. “Wow!” I thought. “This guy’s one of a kind!” Did I think that he could be my soulmate? Sure, because anyone can be our soulmate.

Not the pop culture version, where the other half of us  is walking around out there searching for us. A soulmate relationship can be any connection that’s working effectively because the individuals are sharing a bond of love and each is taking full responsibility for his or her happiness and expression. Which means it’s possible to make a soulmate out of anyone, including our partners!


No one is making us feel the way we feel. So it’s not appropriate to hold other people responsible for how we feel or even for how our life is going. We don’t need people to behave a certain way to feel all right about ourselves or about life. We can decide to stop being affected by what other people do and instead choose our attitude on purpose.

No one else is responsible for the quality of our lives. So let’s all go out today and tell someone: “I’ve decided to create a wonderful life, so you’re off the hook!”


Most of us began life feeling good about ourselves. But over time, the approval that we needed became conditional, depending on whether we did what our adults wanted. And most of us adapted our behavior so they would tell us, “good boy,” “good girl.”

Since we were little, we let others determine whether we were all right. And some of us are still doing it today, letting others make that decision for us.

We’re driven to restore our original joyfulness, and we look for partners who will help us do that. But only we can do it, because it’s an inside job.

When we stop letting other people decide whether we’re worthy and loveable, and when we take responsibility for loving ourselves, we’ll be amazed by how quickly all our relationships will become healthier!


If we believe that we deserve to be wealthy, or that we tend to be sick, or that we’re effective at our jobs, or that we’re always tired, we’re right.

Whatever we’re experiencing is an indicator of what we believe and expect. So if life isn’t going well, it may be a red flag: “I need to examine my beliefs and expectations!”

Fortunately, beliefs are just thoughts we keep thinking over and over until they seem true. So we always have the option to un-believe the ones that don’t actually make sense or work effectively for us.

We like to categorize people so we’ll know how to relate to them. And when we make statements such as, “he is…” or “she is…,” we can’t experience that person differently, because in our perspective people will be what we believe they are. So our relationships have more to do with us than with others.

How do we bring out the best in people? By keeping our perceptions of them positive, knowing that they’ll become whatever we decide to see.


Whether we’re creating a special dinner or starting an argument, we’re looking for an opportunity to share love. And whether we’re in a relationship, or whether we’re out there searching for our great love, most important is our attitude, because we can’t manifest anything that we believe we don’t deserve.

There are two forces going on inside us, called desire and belief. And if they’re pulling in different directions, forward motion is stalled. So before we can receive what we want, our beliefs need to be in sync with our desire. And that’s why finding great love is an inside job.

We draw people into our lives who match whatever we’re currently being. So we can deliberately attract what we want, by identifying with it and staying in the vibe of it – which means identifying with great love and being the partner that we want to be with.

“Would I want me as a partner?” If our answer is No, what would we want to be different about us? And what will we do about it?

Love isn’t something that happens to us or something we fall into. It’s something we do, an action we take on purpose. And the way we experience love is to express it. So it begins on the inside, which means that we’re in charge! And yes, everyone in our lives can be our soulmate.

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Author, Blogger, Contributor to Thrive Global, The Good Men Project and HuffPost